Enough is Enough
The truth about my life and what I have been avoiding
Transparency and authenticity are what we need more of and I am here to lay it out and transform my being.
What's up everyone? Thank you for taking the time to join me in this space. Thank you for also being and sharing this life with me. I don't know how you all feel but life seems like it is calling for us to be real. No more acting, we do not need anyone else putting on a show from the ego, as life is challenging as it is. We need more people to accept and love who they are, so we can begin to create a true heaven on earth. I am writing this to explain my truth, so that I can open up my heart to the world.
The good, the bad, and the ugly...
Life is beautiful to say the least, it is a privilege to be able to experience this, it is a privilege to be aware. A lot of us, myself included, operate from the many concepts that we have acquired and attributed to ourselves, as if it were true. What I mean by that is the constructs that have been placed on us since birth, our culture, societal rules and regulations, gender roles and the list goes on.
I don't aim to bore you, so let me get straight to the point. I SUCK! I suck at thriving in this capitalistic system that we created. I suck at being open and honest with myself, which then translates to me sucking in my relationships. I suck at thriving on my own in such an independent driven society. I SUCK!
Today I cried for the first time in a while because, I am feeling hopeless and quite frankly I do not have direction. I am at my lowest, I have absolutely no money, maxed out credit cards, $276 car payment overdue, $165 car insurance overdue and on top of it all no job, go figure right? What does one do when your entire life has been based in a partial truth maybe even a lie?
A glimpse into the past
I am pretty sure you have heard the phrase " it is what it is" , simple yet powerful statement. We may say it but do we actually mean it? What started the journey for me being a transformational coach was the demons or shadow side of myself that I was not addressing. I felt like it was irresponsible of me to take these demons to the grave, so I searched for substance that could help me muster up the courage to express who I am and what I have done.
Then I found my mentor's page Center for transformational coaching I watched his video as he explained people being woken up and realizing life is not what they thought it was. They are realizing that there must be more, there must be a new way of being, a new way of showing up for the world and most importantly themselves. This grasped my attention immediately as I resonated with his message.
I signed up for the coaching program as I was ready and willing to lay it all out, to become a better me. As we begin to do peer 2 peer coaching sessions I knew this was time. I was tired of the hiding, I was tired of the thoughts and sensations ruling my life, I was tired of the person I was choosing to be. What these sessions taught me about myself is that, I am the source of my pain and hurt, I am the source that is further perpetuating the ego. I am allowing my experiences, emotions, and perceptions of myself to lead my life. Not anymore, I am ready to accept all of me because, " it is what it is".
"Some changes look negative on the surface but you will soon realize that space is being created in your life for something new to emerge.” - Eckhart Tolle
In my attempt to relinquish power from my past actions, I wrote letters to both of my parents. In these letters I discussed my truth and what I have been hiding. In my childhood I was and still am very curious. I seen my best friends mom naked and this changed me more than I thought. I became infatuated with seeing private parts of women and using them for my pleasure. Along the way I caused a lot of casualties to the people that I love.
Victim #1- my sister, I molested her in middle school in the basement of our house, as a young boy, my hormones were raging and I acted out of those sensations. I damaged my sister and afterwords I did not know what to think. I knew it was wrong but I also knew that it isn't something to speak up about.
Victim #2- my cousin, while this situation was a mutual decision, it still did not sit well with me. In high school my cousin and I used to mess around and commit sexual acts to one another. Once again I knew this was out of the ordinary, but I also knew I could not tell.
Victim #3- my male cousin, I know what you may be thinking here and yes, I had a sexual experience with the same gender. This particular situation happened during high school years as well. We were masturbating together watching porn and it was the first dick that I seen outside of my own and truth is I liked it. Liked it so much that I initiated a situation with my cousin. You know the story, it was definitely something I have to hide cause it is wrong right? "Men" are supposed to be with "Women" right?
The truth shall set you free!
My friends if you have made it this far I want to say thank you. I extend my deepest gratitude to you for reading to understand, cause truth is we can learn from one another. We can grow exponentially when we allow ourselves to feel the love and freedom that comes with accepting who we are. I told this story because I am tired of the way my life is going, I am tired of the anger and the frustration that I have with myself, "child I'm tied (tired)" .
In Deepak Chopra's The 7 spiritual laws of success he talks about a law of least effort. basically explaining that "nature’s intelligence functions with effortless ease . . . with carefreeness, harmony, and love". This law strikes my soul as I feel my life has not been effortless, I feel I have had to be a person that I am not, to adhere to the concepts of the world. I realize I have been chasing women and it has created less optimal outcomes for me.
My truth is I am a lover, I love all things and see all things in myself. I cannot claim to be this when I don't love myself first and foremost. I have been shutting down a part of myself for years and I no longer want to continue living life that way. I am tired of hurting people and experiencing the hurt within myself. I will be open, I will not struggle with the universe, and lastly I will accept the totality of who I am. I love people. I thought it was solely "women" cause it's suppose to be that way, but I love "men" just as equally. I have an attraction for both and I ultimately accept that because " it is what it is".